Lost 75 Seconds

Newt Gingrich called me today. Okay it wasn’t actually him calling, it was some mr. flunky calling for him but mr. flunky connected me to a pre-recorded message from the former speaker himself – my heart was all a flutter.

Newt … who names their kid Newt btw? Don’t you think he probably got beat up everyday of elementary school? Maybe that’s why he is such a prick?!? Newt -- isn’t that something witches always add to the caldron in movies. Eyes of newt or frog’s newt or there is something with newt … what was I talking about? Oh yeah, my buddy Newt.

Mr. Flunky asked me a probing interview question to make sure I was qualified for the survey, “Are you happy with the way the government is running things in Washington?” Sometimes the word ‘no’ just doesn’t pack enough punch. Even ‘HELL NO, YOU IDIOT’ seems to fall short, but I think he got my general opinion on the matter because he informed me that was the right answer and that I had qualified for a special message … shhh, let’s listen …..

So this very personal message from Newt (I think I like saying that name now) was only being shared with the closest friends of the Republic party … so how the hell they got my name is beyond me? My new friend talked to me for one minute and 15 seconds about how the GOP is in danger of losing control in Washington (gasp!) and even more freighting … the Democratic are raising more $$$$ for the 2008 campaign (egad!). Newt was even nice enough to spell out why this was a bad thing for those who might actually appreciate his opinion on the subject. It seems that these Democrats are liberals (holly free choice Batman!) and they support equal rights and health care for the poor and reducing the deficit and cleaning up the environment and, and, and, g-a-y-s (we’re doomed, doomed, doomed!). Say it isn’t true, Newt?!? Tell me it’s not too late? What can we do? Who will save us?

But wait … look up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No it’s a campaign contribution!!! That’s right folks mr.flunky came back on the line after my private pow-wow with Newt and gave me the “opportunity” to donate $200 to $400 dollars to stop all this craziness from happening. And in return – not only would I get the perfect government thereby saving this great world as we know it, but I would also get my very own copy of Newt’s book (How I Screwed Up Everything). WHAT A DEAL!!!! Let me grab a pen …

Oh, but wait a minute, “didn’t you ask me if I was happy with the way the government is running things in Washington? And I said ‘no’, right? And isn’t the current president a republican? And isn’t the Republican Party pulling all the strings right now? So … if I’m not happy with what the GOP is doing now, tell me why I would want them back for another 4 years?!?!?!?”

Oh, and I also forgot … I think I like liberals? Yes, now I remember … I do like liberals … and helping under privileged people … and I support equal rights even for "those gays" !!!! So sorry Newt, please excuse me while I write this check for the Democratic Party and laugh all the way to the polls on Election Day.

And that’s how I lost 75 seconds of my life today.