My Night with Jeeps

When the f*&k did it become acceptable for taxi drivers not to know where anything is in the city? The very essence of the taxi is for it to take you to places you are unfamiliar with... like your front door at 4 in morning after 10 too many tequilas. But that's not really the point, this time.

I spend a lot of time in different cities and I know a good taxi driver can get me where I need to be faster than I can print out the map on yahoo. Go to any intersection in NY or Chicago, hop in a cab and your off without a thought. That's the way it works! Taxi = driver who knows city! Simple, right? Apparently not!

Last week in Raleigh I asked my driver for the Red Room and I end up at Mellow Mushroom ... even my accent is not that bad ... plus I was in f*&king NC so he should be able to understand me! This week I'm in Atlanta ... hop in a cab, ask for a club by name, even give the guy the freaking address and he still can't find it. I mean he has NO CLUE where it might be. And, the dude (let's call him Jeeps) keeps asking me where it is ... HELLO ... I'm in the damn cab because I don't know where it is either!!!!

But, being the caring and considerate person that I am , I'm trying to be helpful and I suggest Jeeps and I call to get the cross streets. Cross streets are always helpful to cab drivers. Jeeps' accent was a problem for the woman on the phone from the club so I jump into the conversation and get the cross streets and confirm the address. I relay the info to Jeeps and he looks at me and says "where is that on my map?" OMG, OMG, OMG!!!! Would you like me to drive the car and you sit back here, Jeeps?

Back on the phone with the club I am now translating Jeeps' questions to the club and her answers back to Jeeps. This is not how I envisioned my night starting off. FINALLY, FINALLY, Jeeps says he knows where the club is!!!! Great, okay lets go!!! Then Jeeps says "here let me show you on the map". ARE YOU F*&%ING KIDDING ME? You want to show me the map now? I don't care where it is on the map!! Just drive the cab to the club and let me out of this flashback Seinfeld episode.

So I'm sitting there staring at Jeeps as he is detailing the route we will drive ... assuming that we EVER pulls out from in front of my hotel where we have now been sitting for 10 minutes.

Then Jeeps says, "that's a really long way". "Yes, okay." Then I start thinking, Jeeps doesn't want to go there, is that what he is saying? The woman I spoke to at the club said it would be a 15-minute cab ride so it can't be that far? So I revert to taxi cab language and asked Jeeps "how much?" He starts to show me the damn map again and I mentally prepare to throw him from the car ... only we are not moving so that will not inflict enough pain. I cut him off and asked, "just tell me how much?" Jeeps then goes used-car-salesman on me and says, "it could be $35, could be $45 depends on traffic.... HFS ... I've taken a taxi from mid-town Manhattan to the airport at rush hour on a Friday and it cost less. That's it, I'm done. I tell Jeeps to forget it and leave him to re-fold his many maps and consider a career change to maybe the post office where his unique talents of pissing people off could be rewarded by a suicide gunman.

There are some jobs in this world that require little or no skill and I have spent my fair amount of time in these glorious positions; wielding shop gofer, checkout girl, crash test dummy. But Taxi Cab Driver is not such a job. If you are going to drive a cab, know the fuckin' city. Basic requirement! You don't go into get your car fixed and expect the mechanic to ask you how to fix a carburetor. Know your shit or stay home … don't waste my time!